Fat Guys and the Women Who Love Them.

Heard of Killer Groupies? They're like rock groupies, except they chase death row inmates. All your favorite David E. Kelly law firm teevee shows eventually have episodes with a killer groupie character. Every week on Boston Legal there's a fresh murder and new murderer. Unfortunately killers aren't the easy freaks they once were. Another murderer? Yawn....

But the hot MILF that's written a death row mass murderer a hundred letters, visits between bars three times a week, her flavour of freak is fresh. They'll hire a B actor, maybe even Jennifer Coolidge, the original MILF. Denny Crane will make red-faced, corset-bellied moves, yet Killer Groupie Freak MILF will remain true. And when the firm springs the killer from jail, Denny Crane will watch the couple walk out the law firm doors hand in hand, the trademarked Mike Post "insert emotion here" chords will rise, and were affirmed true love has no definition.

Then, about two episodes later, Stifler's Mom shows up at Denny's door covered in blood. "I killed him!" she trembles. The Killer Groupie Freak MILF just got freakier. Denny Crane invites her inside, offers her some single malt, inappropriate attempts to bone her, then calls James Spader (who calls the cops). The next two episodes go through the motions of her inevitable acquittal. The only unknown: whether Denny Crane finally bones Stifler's Mom.

The story is watchable because freaks have become so commonplace. Freaks are the fodder of viral emails and online newspaper colour pieces. Our mass-media society has insatiable hunger for the shocking because everything else has been seen a million times. A good freak story helps everyone feel normal in comparison, superior to someone, no matter how fucked up our day, how miserable our jobs and spouses.

So, when there's a story about 500kg Mexican guy whose lost 200kg, whose tarpaulin covered vehicle procession along to a date with his girlfriend becomes wedged under a bridge, we read, go Holy Shit!, and pass it along. Hell, I showed my fatty lovin girlfriend the story. She said, "Baby... no offense, but if you get that fat, you're dumped."

Fair enough, too. Check it out.

Obviously our first reaction was to the number: 500kg. Various Simpsons quotes followed. "I wash myself with a rag on a stick!" Then we both wonder what kind of woman would date a 300 kilo man. What the fuck must be wrong with that chick??

A fair question, too

I don't swallow the urban legend of the chubby chaser. Hot chicks who gets wood over grossly obese men, take it from an obese man, such women are a myth. I'd know. I'm not an ugly guy, despite my circumference. At my fattest I was visual ebola.

The concept of the chubby chaser was invented by the screenwriter of Porky's to get the token fat guy some action. More evidence, there's a thousand BBW porn sites (Big Busty Women), but next to no fay guy sites (and those there are, are gay sex). Yes, some men like some cushion for the pushin'. Not so with hetero women. From personal experience I can attest that any young, extraordinarily fat guy who secures female companionship has worked very hard and somehow proven his non-physical qualities amount to more than his physical deficiencies. In spite of, not because of.

So, what mental disease must this mythical Mexican lady have? Don't ask me. It seems death row inmates get more pussy. Maybe the secret for fat guys to getting laid is found on death row. Kill a family or two.

Just don't eat them. That's gross.